What Are You Hungry For?

"What is your woman? Is she just a container for the child? That soft pink matter" - "Pink Matter" by Frank Ocean 

Content Warning: Discussions of sexuality 

Every time I consider going back to Catholicism, I end up at the same conclusions. Religion is too restrictive. Too pure, too clean, too…perfect. It sows guilt for simply being. For being a woman. For bleeding. For curiosity. For thirst. For having an appetite. 

I don’t know about you guys, but I have a big fucking appetite. Growing up, and even now, I've always been a big foodie. Whether it's shrimp roti or a bowl of cavatappi, I've always had a deep appreciation for well made food. Eating slowly, savoring every morsel with primal enjoyment. 

Throughout my childhood, asceticism was prized. Abstinence from all forms of indulgence. As a chubby child, my parents would encourage me to fast and go on diets. Chide me for taking seconds while filling my brother's plate because "he's a growing boy". These words left an indelible mark on me. Before long, I started shrinking. Taking the smallest portions. Refusing seconds. 

As I shed the cocoon of childhood, my adult body emerged fresh and dangerous. Thick, muscular thighs that touched. Broad shoulders. Wide, plush hips. And soon, that hunger didn't stop at food. I wanna wrap my thighs around my lover’s head as they taste me. To teasingly nip at their neck, whispering sweet nothings. God, I want someone to hunger for me. Is that so bad? 

Beauty and sensuality have become a big part of my spirituality. Adorning my body with beautiful clothes, ornate jewelry, and the sweetest smelling fragrances. Surrounding myself with gorgeous flowers, energizing music, and art that sparks joy. Eating. 

This carnal hunger emboldened me to explore the limits of my own capacity for desire. Throughout this journey, I've skyrocketed to heights of pleasure I never thought possible. One of the most human things we can do is have sex. It pains me that so many women have been taught to fear it—and by proxy—themselves. Fear does nothing but control you. A prison of endless punishment. Don't shy away from your appetite. Hold it up to the light. You might be surprised at what you find. 

After indulging in my own pool of pleasure, I'm not ashamed of what I've found. Orgasms—good ones—are a love language. I deserve them all. As do you, dear reader. 

But heed my warning. These primal cravings shouldn't be satisfied with endless hedonism. The key is balance. Not just discovering what you're hungry for, but finding ways to transmute it. Mine happen to be writing and painting. 

You were not born dirty. You were born hungry. Help yourself to everything life has to offer. 

XOXO, Michaela